” I wish my life were different! I hate it!”
Those were the words of Jeannie five years ago. I (Michelle) sat across from her as she poured her heart out at our first meeting. She explained how stressful life was raising young children and being married to an immature man who was addicted to porn, television, and alcohol. I listened and jotted a few notes. I had heard these words from so many women over the years that I almost knew what she would say next. However, I had also watched God work in the lives of many women over the years as well, and when it came to God’s ways, I never knew what was going to happen next.
By the time a woman decides to reach out for help and admit that her marriage is in crisis, the last thing she wants to hear a parent, friend, or church leader say is, “I’m sorry you are hurting, but God hates divorce, and you have no choice in the matter. You have to make this work!” Instead, a woman in an abusive or emotionally destructive marriage needs to hear, “I’m sorry that you are hurting. You do know that God loves you, and He sees your pain and knows your heart. You also know that you have choices. Have you considered all of them?”
In Jeannie’s case, we met weekly for twelve weeks while she went through
the Marriage 911: First Response Workbook. I was her
support partner, and each week, whenever she seemed hopeless, I gently reminded
her that she had choices and that God loved her, regardless of what she decided
to do in her unhealthy marriage.
When our time was over, she was better equipped to make her choices, but
most importantly I saw her relationship with God strengthened. As for her
husband, since he had not chosen to get help for his addictions, there was no
change. Jeannie and I kept in touch for a year, and each time we visited, her
walk with God was strong, but sadly, her marriage was not.
A year or so later, Jennie and her husband separated when she finally placed
healthy boundaries in her home and around her children. With her focus steadily
on God, she grew stronger in standing up to her husband’s behavior and not
allowing it in her home. They were separated for two years.
While I would run into her now and then, and was aware of their
reconciliation, we had not talked about their marriage. This week I heard from
Jeannie. She wanted to meet for lunch. Five years after our first
meeting, this time I did not sit across someone who was hopeless and who hated
her life.
“I have gone back to school, and have learned to do things that make me
happy. Our marriage is in no way the marriage that I wish it was, but he has
made a lot of changes and knows that he almost lost his family over his bad
behavior and he’s not willing to risk that again. He has a respect for me that
I now know was lacking. My focus remains on God, and not ever feeling trapped
without choices. I get it now. God cares more about my relationship with Him
than anything else, and as long as that is in intact, it’s all good.” I smiled,
once again, amazed at how God worked in this beautiful woman’s life.
Whatever your circumstance, don’t give in to hopelessness. Your Father in
heaven cares even more about you than He cares about your marriage. Sure, He
hates divorce because it rips a family apart and sets up difficult
consequences, but so does a life that is dishonoring to the Lord, with a focus
on the world and behavior that is destructive to those He loves. Pray, get your
focus on God, consider all of your choices, and put Him first. Decide what you
need to do and what boundaries may need to be set to get your life in order.
You have no control over your spouse or anyone else in your life, but you have
100% control over you. There is hope.
