Where do you find help when your marriage is in crisis? Who do you turn to?
Many of you reading this blog know that my husband Marv and I have been leading a Marriage 911 class in our church for many years and have seen many, many marriages healed and restored. But you may not know the couple behind Marriage 911 who God has used in a powerful way to create this amazing program. So let me introduce you to Joe and Michelle Williams so you can hear their story of how this ministry helps marriages and how it unfolded in such a unique and effective way to bring about reconciliation for so many couples.
Linda: Michelle, tell us what lead you to start Marriage 911 God’s Way? When and how did it start?
Michelle: Joe and I were separated for two years in the late 1980’s. When we finally reconciled we discovered that the couples in our large evangelical church, who were secretly struggling in their marriages, felt comfortable reaching out to us. They wanted help.
For instance, one of the women on staff admitted to me one day that she felt her marriage was in crisis but she was afraid that if she told anyone, her job might be in jeopardy. This led me to ask if she wanted to meet on her lunch hour and I would take her through a workbook that we were putting together for marriages in crisis. She agreed, and this setting resulted in the support partner aspect of our ministry.
Linda: That’s awesome. So you began to meet with some women. Did you get the husbands involved also?
Joe: I knew a few guys in our church who thought they had to pretend all was well at home or their wife would be upset with them. When I started having coffee with them one-on-one they really opened up. Once Michelle and I talked more about it, we decided that maybe separating the men and women into small discussion groups in a classroom setting might be the answer. When we discussed this with one of our pastors, it led to us being asked to help start a reconciliation ministry, which we called “Reconciling God’s Way—now called Marriage 911 God’s Way”.
Linda: How did you go about putting the course together?
Joe: We continued to meet privately and also in small group settings (separating the men and women) and being very strategic in sticking to questions which helped them do three things over a 12-week period:
- Change their focus from their spouse and start working on a deeper relationship with God, and also self-nurturing in order to take the pressure off their spouse meeting all their needs.
- Work on issues such as anger, honesty, and fear-based relationships by implementing biblical principles and practicing tools to help them make lasting changes—regardless of their spouse’s behavior
- Put a plan together as to how to move forward after the 12 weeks were over. Serving in a ministry alone or with their spouse, or taking additional classes or getting more counseling.
Linda: So you started the class in your church. But how did it end up being duplicated in other churches?
Michelle: When a national syndicated columnist, Mike McManus, visited our church in 1997, to celebrate the 10 year anniversary of signing the first national marriage covenant in our hometown of Modesto, California, he loved what we had created to help crisis marriages. He invited us to speak at a Smart Marriage Conference in Washington, DC, in 1997, and our local ministry became national almost overnight. Over 100 pastors approached us that weekend and asked how to start their own ministry. This led to us creating a more detailed leader’s kit, helping churches to do their own Reconciling God’s Way ministry for people in a crisis marriage.
Linda: Many of our ministries began because of problems we have experienced ourselves. I know this is true of you as well. Can you tell us a little about that?
Michelle: When we were asked to speak at that conference in Washington, D.C. in 1997, we gave our testimony as to how in our own marriage crisis the pastors and people on staff seemed to either ignore our pleas for help, or act as if they didn’t care. Later, after we reconciled, we realized that their behavior was only a result of them not knowing what to do.
The main problem we had in our own marriage was that our focus was always on each other instead of the Lord. We tried to control, fix, correct, and micro-manage each other. We had unrealistic expectations, and our happiness was dependent on the behavior of each of us, rather than God. These expectations led to our placing too much demands on others to “fix” our marriage. We tried to attend marriage seminars but this only made things worse since the speaker would send us home to do exercises as a couple and we were never able to stop arguing long enough to get anything accomplished.
Once we were separated, but not necessarily seeking a divorce, each of us was left to work on the marriage without the help or expectation of the other. This alone time is what God used in our lives to create the 27 tools that eventually ended up being in our workbook. Each tool is used individually, and does not depend on couples in order to accomplish change in the marriage.
Linda: That seems like a revolutionary idea! And in my own experience in working with Marriage 911 I’ve seen what a powerful approach that is. So tell us what is the purpose of Marriage 911 God’s Way ministry?
Michelle: Once we started seeing couples reconciling who seemed as hopeless as we had been, our hearts began to move more to expanding the ministry to even more churches so that more marriages could be saved. While not all marriages are saved, the purpose of the 12-week class and workbook is to provide tools and support to the person who wants to work on the marriage but feels hopeless.
During the 12 weeks, each spouse will learn ways to deal with Focus, Heart Attitude, and Hope, God’s Way—even if their spouse is unwilling to do their part. The support partner aspect of the ministry provides additional prayer and accountability. Many of the churches who have our ministry in place just keep the workbook and support partner book on hand at all times so that if someone calls for help, they can get started immediately rather than waiting for a class or small group to start. The person just gets a support partner, or the church has ready mentors/support partners available to help one on one.
Joe: It’s pretty bad when a guy contacts me to say that his church doesn’t have anything at all in place for crisis marriages. I tell the guy to get the workbook and ask another man to be his support partner and get started. Then I let him know that once he has come through his own crisis, he can be the one to help another guy. One time a guy called me back and said, “ I just wanted to let you know that I asked an older gentleman to be my support partner, and he answered back, ‘I’ve been attending this church for 15 years and you’re the first person to ask me to do anything! Yes, I will!’”
Michelle: Another purpose of our ministry is to give those who might have felt unworthy due to divorce or marriage problems a place to serve. God uses people who have been broken in certain areas to help others who need someone that can relate. Our ministry is much like AA or Celebrate Recovery in the sense that once a person comes through their own crisis, they need a place to give back.
Linda: How is Marriage 911 different from other marriage ministries?
This ministry and all of the resources are not dependent on whether or not both spouses want to participate. It is not a couple’s ministry. Men support men, and women support women, and each willing spouse learns to depend on God rather than their spouse for their happiness.
While there are plenty of marriage ministries across the U.S. and other countries, there are few that have a system in place to quickly provide what a couple or person in crisis needs. That’s why the marriage workbook is titled “Marriage 911: First Response”. Can you imagine dialing 911 in an emergency and having the person on the other line say, “I’m sorry, everyone is busy until spring?” We have created a way for an emergency marriage crisis to get the help they need immediately. All they have to do is order a workbook, support book, and watch our online videos and they can get the help they need while waiting for counseling or a class if that is needed.
Linda: What kinds of results have you seen? Can you share any stories about this?
Michelle: For people who go through the whole 12 weeks (even without their spouse), the results of their relationship with God being stronger, and having peace in their hearts is 100% better. While we get to hear success stories of saved marriages from many people, this ministry does not focus on saving the marriage as much as it focuses on each person growing in their relationship with God and with all people, including their spouse.
The best success stories are of those who not only reconcile their marriage, but also go on to help others. Recently we heard from one of our leaders in Washington State who shared this: “I had a phone call from a lady who went through our Marriage 911 class, and they have stayed together and are doing well. Not only that, but her husband decided he wants them to start their own Marriage 911 ministry! She calls me every few months just to check in and get some words of encouragement. Being her support partner has allowed me to experience God in a special way!”
Linda: Why should a church offer Marriage 911 to their congregation?
Michelle: We hear from men and women from all over the world who are looking for help in their local church for their crisis marriage. Most churches offer classes for engaged couples, seminars and retreats to build a healthier marriage, and divorce-recovery classes once a marriage ends…but few offer help and support for separated or crisis couples. That is the focus of what Marriage 911 provides.
Linda: What states/cities presently have a Marriage 911 class?
Joe: We presently have over 50 churches across the nation who offer the ministry. The cities that have the most active ministries are those in which the senior pastor promotes it from the pulpit or believes so strongly in it that he or she personally refers people. Some of the cities are: Branson, MO, Orlando, Fl, Tampa, Fl, Stockton, CA, Turlock, CA, Calgary, Canada, Mesa, Arizona, and several churches in Tennessee, and other cities in Florida.
Michelle: As we mentioned already, however, there are many churches who do not advertise or offer classes, but either send people to our website for help, or keep a few copies of the Marriage 911: First Response workbook and support partner handbook on their shelves or front desk so that when someone reaches out to their church for help, they have something ready.
My heart breaks when I think of that person sitting alone in their home, searching the Internet for help because their own church either doesn’t want to bother with a crisis marriage or just doesn’t know what to do and doesn’t take the time to ask for help. There should be a crisis marriage ministry in every city! Of course, we think Marriage 911 God’s Way is the easiest and least expensive way to offer it, but they at least need to offer something!
Joe: Once a church gets our leader’s kit (which costs less than one counseling appointment) they can get the workbooks in bulk at a 30% discount on our website, rather than going to Amazon…or they can send people directly to Amazon themselves and not have to spend a dime. Most couples don’t mind investing in a book that can be used over and over, and then used to help someone else as well! There’s no reason for people to feel alone and abandoned when they have a crisis marriage. The help is here.
Linda: If someone wants to start a Marriage 911 program in their church, how should they go about it?
Michelle: It’s easy to start a ministry. Just visit the website: Marriage911Godsway.com, and order a leader’s kit. We have a step-by-step plan in the leader’s guide, which explains how to start a small group or class, or use the resources one-on-one. The weekly videos on our website can be used in a small group or class, or the person can do it on their own. We have made it easy because we know that people need quick, easy access when they reach out to a church. We used to travel to churches to help them set up a ministry, but now that we have everything online, its so simple that we don’t need to do that anymore. This saves the church and our ministry time and money, and is much quicker for everyone.
Linda: If someone wants to attend, but there isn’t a Marriage 911 class nearby, is there an alternative?
Joe: We offer trained national support partners and online videos once a person orders any of our workbooks or book.
Linda: Where can people get more information about your ministry?
Michelle: For more information about how we started the ministry, and an overview of the contents of the Marriage 911: First Response workbook and other resources, they should visit our website at Marriage 911godsway.com. If they click the “weekly videos” link, they can hear more of our testimony and the testimony of others.
Watch this video where Joe and Michelle tell more about Marriage 911 at “Introduction and Overview of Section One: Where’s Your Focus?” at https://marriage911online.com/videos/
For those of you who live in Central Florida, my husband Marv and I will be starting a new Marriage 911 class on January 29. To learn more about the class and see how to sign up, visit http://www.lindarooks.com/speaking/
